Summer Romance.

One day I was moping around the office Jack had asked me what was wrong. It was more like; “Ok what is with the resting bitch face, I am over it, and you are going to get new wrinkles. Are you going to tell me what is wrong?” “I want a guy who is fun and playful… a good old-fashioned summer romance!” I answered. Ask and you shall receive. Nate was exactly that. After our night of naked yoga I had no expectations of him ever calling again, this behavior totally conditioned by other men I ‘dated.’ To my surprise, he did call. He was attentive, sexy, romantic, fun and adorable- I suddenly found myself having a lot of fun.

After another amazing date we ended up back at Nate’s place again, after a gentle kiss he sat me on the kitchen counter and fixed us cocktails. We laughed and made some small talk about how great dinner was and as I was talking about the amazing oysters he gently brushed my thigh with his hand. Slowly he skimmed my rib cage, kissed my shoulder and ran his fingers up arm around my neck and into the back of my hair. His eyes were looking at my body and as he lifted his head and gently pulled my head towards his, so our lips met in the middle. His lips felt wonderful, warm and wet. He would gently bite on my bottom lip in between deep kisses- It was practically the only opportunity we had to breathe in air. Our hands we everywhere and I wanted so badly to take it to the next level. After who knows how long of making out I pulled back and looked at him in the eyes… I felt like I was drunk but had only had ½ a cocktail. Clearly I was drunk on him. I thanked him for an amazing night and said my goodbye. He begged me to stay the night or just to stay a litter longer. I was insanely tempted but made myself leave. Part of the fun of a summer romance is making it last more than a week, and I determined to make that happen. Plus there is only one other step past naked yoga, and I wasn’t going to let that happen so soon.

I woke up the next morning to text that read; “That was the best make out session since high school. Have an amazing day.” Since I wasn’t sure of his age, I laughed and thought to myself, well that might not have been that long ago. Then my thought was… “who cares” and I ate his compliment up with a spoon.

Fourth of July was around the corner and Nate, and I would both be traveling. I would go home to be with my family at our lake house, as I had every year for as long as I could remember, and he would be traveling to a whole slew of places. Going home to the lake was always bittersweet for me. I love seeing my family and spending summer days on the water, but I also felt like it was a reminder of what I didn’t have. We have a large group of friends there and keep very busy, but it is hard for me. I am the only one who is single. I am the only one who doesn’t have children. I am the only outsider really and sometimes it sucks. I tried to look at the positive side of things; I get to spend time with my family, it was always non-stop laughter, my dad would make his famous baby back ribs, and the cocktails flowed like water. This year I could tell everyone about my summer romance with a hot guy from down under instead of my usual answer, “No, I am not seeing anyone.” Ugh, that answer always triggered a look on the other persons face that was so depressing.

Though I talked about Nate on the trip, I heard from him much less than usual. I understood, he was busy and traveling, plus he knew I was with my family. I was actually surprised at how little it bothered me. Knowing that this relationship was most likely never going anywhere past a summer romance was a pathetic comfort to me. I knew that if that were my state of mind then I would be able to have fun and not get hurt in the end. It was sad but true. Then I convinced myself that he was telling everyone he was with about how much fun he was having with me!

When I returned to LA after the holiday, I was focused on one thing, my new apartment. After I had to move Style Studio into my little apartment, it was busting at the seems. Jack was over sitting among boxes and racks of clothes in my living room. I decided to bit the financial bullet and rent a bigger place.

I had found my dream apartment; it was the place light was invented! The eleventh floor of a full-service building, one plus bedroom, brand new kitchen, glorious views, garage valet parking, large deck, walls of windows, one and half baths and a steam shower! I had died and gone to apartment heaven. I was finally going to be able to get my belongings out of storage and get somewhat of my old life back.

Jack was in charge of the move, which he hated and of course I loved! Coordinating the movers, the storage unit, the packing of my current place and the elevator reservation in the new building, which came with a long list of rules for moving in.

To make life a little more fun, I decided to throw myself a birthday/ housewarming party two weeks after moving in. The party was my way of making sure that I moved in and got completely settled as quickly as possible. What I didn’t realize it that it would almost kill Jack and Me.

Single & Stylish,
xxx Keylee

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a lover of dresses! Nothing makes you feel more romantic than to have a closet full of dresses that can be worn on hot summer nights out with a hot date!

 

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Home, But Feeling Alone.

December 20, 2012- Journal Entry

I am on the airplane home to Kansas. LAX is filled with happy children, families and couples rushing home for the holidays to greet their families and celebrate the season. It is also filled with a lot of grumpy travelers and screaming children, but I am trying to see the good in things lately. As happy as I am to see my family I am counting the days till I am back on a plane and heading to LA.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with my family; I adored them and still do. My sister, father, mother, and brother-in-law were my rocks. I just didn’t want to celebrate a holiday alone. Being single is hard, being single for the first time at the holidays is torture. All of the children opening gifts, reminding me of the children I don’t have and the questions from people I only see once a year. The only bright spot was that my seven-year old niece asked to sleep with me on Christmas Eve, I love Christmas Eve, and I really didn’t want to sleep alone. We cuddled in bed and talked about Santa; it might have been my favorite moment in months! I didn’t want to spend the holiday with my x husband, but I also didn’t to be alone. I know I wasn’t literally alone I was surrounded by people who love me, but in my head, I was alone. This is not how Christmas 2012 was supposed to be!

Mimosas and pancakes were a tradition for my x husband and I, for some reason I decided to keep it alive. I think it was mostly the fact that I would use any excuse to drink during the day. On Christmas morning, my mother, father and I woke up some ungodly hour, like 5am, we would get in the car and drive to my sister’s house to open gifts. I brushed my teeth, pulled on my Uggs, grabbed my coat, a bottle of champagne and laid down in the back seat. Though it was only 100 yds across the driveway to my sisters, I didn’t have it in me to be jolly.

As gifts were passed out by my beautiful nieces, I noticed a few that I didn’t recognize. As I looked at the tags, one was from my husband. Ugh, really? After everything, he sent me a Christmas gift? I tried to pretend the gift wasn’t in my stack and then in some moments I pretended it was from someone else. I decided I would open his gift last. The real distraction was a mystery gift; it was from a handsome guy I went to college with, Peter. I met Peter through my first husband when we were in college. He and I were Facebook friends and had seen a post I made on about something I loved. I unwrapped Peters gift first; I couldn’t imagine what it was. As I unwrapped the package, I could see it was this incredible fashion book I had posted about, I couldn’t believe it was under the tree. I hadn’t seen Peter in years, and though we talked over Facebook now and then I was really surprised. It was a very sweet gesture from an old friend.

After I opened every other gift in my pile, and I had one left, the one from my x. I sat there and starred at the gift. In my family we go around in a circle, everyone opening each gift one by one. I made everyone skip me for several turns. Finally, I didn’t have a choice but to open it. An ornament, big blown glass ball with a note that I didn’t care to read, and a camera. A camera? It was a very nice camera, in my favorite color red, but it was just odd. Whatever.

After we opened gifts in true Sanders tradition, my sister fixed a big breakfast of pancakes, hash browns (the best you will ever have), bacon, eggs, French toast; just about anything you could want. I had a piece of bacon and opened my bottle of champagne. What I really wanted to do was crawl into bed.

This year was going to be special; we had spent last Christmas with his family because it was so soon after our wedding. This year I was going to wake up Christmas morning with my husband at my parent’s house and have a really full family Christmas. It was important to me that we would be with my family, and they would finally know that this man was serious about me and our future. Instead of the happy holiday I had always pictured; I was sad. Yes, I was with my family, and it was great, but it wasn’t what I bargained for or what I had dreamed about. I was alone, and it hurt. My whole body hurt. My head hurt; my muscles hurt, my heart hurt.

Later in the day my sister’s in-laws and family came over, I lasted about 20 minutes. I soon told everyone I was going to run over to my mom and dad’s to get something. What I was “getting”, was into my pajamas and then under my covers? I slept most of the day.

The funny part was it wasn’t like this was my first Christmas alone in the past few years. My husband had left me alone for Christmas, along with various other holidays, on and off during our entire relationship. Yes, I know that is one of those statements that makes everyone say, “how did you not know something was going on?” Trust me, I have asked myself this questions more times than I can count
But, this holiday was different… We were supposed to be together; we had plans. It was the first time in a long time that I had felt such sadness. When was this roller coaster going to stop? It felt like this would be the only feeling I would ever have.

Single & Stylish,
xx Keylee

I can’t believe that I am posting this and I don’t in any way endorse someone wearing them like regular shoes but every once in awhile nothing feels better on your feet than Ugg’s! When I went to link this post to the page I couldn’t believe all the cool styles they now make! Here are some acceptable styles!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Are You Dating a Ghost?

This is an article that was recently posted on the Huffington Post, I thought it was very appropriate to post on Halloween. I think we have all dated a few ghosts… not that I would mention any (real) names, yet!

After three months of dating, 23-year-old Michael was optimistic about his relationship with Linda*. They were together often, and he’d even met her parents. One night at dinner, the “where is this going?” conversation came up. Michael and Linda mutually agreed that they wanted to move forward in the relationship. He dropped her off at home, kissed her goodnight … and never heard from her again.

After his attempts to reach her went unanswered, Michael put on his cute-guy hat and delivered Linda’s favorite cupcakes to her office — only to find out his name had been removed from the guest list at the gate.

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Ghosted.

The term “ghosting” (sometimes known as the “slow fade”) refers to the anecdotally pervasive act where one dater ends a relationship by simply disappearing. The ghost does not give an explanation of any sort, leaving the ghosted wondering where he or she went wrong.

This phenomenon isn’t new, of course — prehistoric daters sat by their curly-corded phones waiting for their ghosts to call, and assumed that call must have come when he or she was out of the house. (The Discovery Channel has yet to confirm the anecdote, but current 20-somethings speculate as much.)

But in an era of Tinder, OKCupid, JSwipe and Hinge, matchmaking often happens by swiping right and left, making potential daters literally disposable. The ease of app and online dating has allowed ghosting to take new form. Chelsea, a 25-year-old Manhattanite who has been both a ghost and a ghostee says the fast-paced, onto-the-next mentality of online dating makes the need for an “it’s not me, it’s you,” conversation irrelevant. “Even after one or two dates they are still just a profile to you, not a person. I don’t feel the normal empathy I would for someone I met organically,” she said.

Logan Levkoff, sexologist and expert on “Married At First Sight,” explained that online dating and apps take the humanity out of the process a bit, which could make users prone to being ghosted. “[Because] all it takes is a swipe,” she said. “The quantity [of how many people experience ghosting] is more because it’s so easy to do and it requires very little human engagement in order to do it.”

In fact, in a poll conducted by YouGov and The Huffington Post, respondents ages 18-29 were more likely to admit they’ve experienced ghosting on either end than any other age group.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Dating is, in some ways, a metaphor for Halloween. (‘Tis the season, go with me here.) Trick-or-treaters go from house to house, tasting all different types of “candy” (aka men or women) until they’re completely exhausted. They go home, put on comfier clothes, consume literal candy until they can’t even breathe declaring to their friends, “I’M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN.” That is, until a cute guy or gal … er, Hershey bar … messages them.

In a 2012 study, researchers identified seven types of breakup strategies. Trick-or-treaters polled considered confrontation the best way to breakup, while they classified ghosting (avoiding/withdrawing from contact with your partner) the least ideal method to end a relationship. The YouGov/Huffington Post Poll confirmed these sentiments. Only 13 percent of 1,000 adults polled consider breaking up electronically very appropriate or somewhat appropriate.

But while most don’t condone ghosting, that doesn’t seem to influence whether they’ll do it to someone else.

Chelsea admits that’s the case for her and a bunch of her friends. “I’m a total hypocrite in that respect. I’ll ghost someone without a second thought but when it happens to me I’m the first to run to my girlfriends in disbelief saying, ‘The least he could do is let me down easy,'” she said, adding, “It’s probably karma.”

So, Is Ghosting Morally Wrong?

New York-based location scout Victoria Carter protested the slow-fade in a 2013 blog post on XOJane. “When you disappear into the ether without any indication why, all I can do is come up with a million and a half reasons why you’re not into me,” she wrote. Ghost victims have certainly been there and done that too, wondering… He could be out of the country without cellphone service, maybe she really is busy at work, Miranda’s date actually died in one SATC episode… it could happen.

To members of Ghosters Anonymous, Carter continued, “Until you close the door and close it completely, I can hold on to that tiny unrealistic shred of hope that you DO still want to hang out, and that maybe you’ll call (text, who am I kidding, nobody calls anymore and I hate it) and it’ll all be great.”

But Greg Behrendt, author of the best-selling book turned movie, He’s Just Not That Into You, firmly believes that silence speaks louder than any words could. “What I find weird is that there has to be an explanation after two dates. If someone doesn’t call you after a couple days, that should be enough to say, he’s just not that… oh God, I don’t want to quote myself,” he said (quoting himself anyway).

It’s simple, and there’s no need to contemplate the many “reasons” a date is unresponsive, he explained. “When someone’s not texting you and you see they’ve read your text, then you should really get it,” said Behrendt, who recently co-authored a book with his wife, appropriately called, It’s Just A Fucking Date.

Defending ghost tendencies in an Oct. 2013 post on Slate, writer Amanda Hess echoed that sentiment:

The idea that a direct message is necessary to cement a relationship’s end is yet another obfuscation. When it comes to modern digital relationships, the rhythm of the exchange tells us as much as its literal content, and it doesn’t take any specialized skill to read between the lines. If you’re initiating all the texts in the relationship, the recipient just isn’t that into you; if you’re not getting any texts back, the recipient isn’t into you at all.

Yes, lack of response from someone you’re digging feels crappy. But is it morally wrong? Behrendt doesn’t think so — and he can’t understand why humans can’t apply the same understanding about changed feelings to relationship as they do to virtually everything else.

“Feelings change about a lot of things… about a band, about a food, about certain things you thought were fun that you don’t think are fun anymore. But it becomes so profound in relationships like, ‘that’s never happened in the history of relationships and why would he just walk away?’ Well haven’t you just walked away from a million different things in your life because you weren’t into it? It’s the universe taking care of you saying, ‘”I’m sorry but that particular thing is over, go this way,'” he said.

GHOST-5702

But… What About R-E-S-P-E-C-T?

On the flip side, Levkoff feels offering an explanation — even if it’s a short one — is just part of being a standup woman or man. “It’s nice to be able to say to someone, ‘Listen I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t think this is going to move forward in a romantic way,'” she said.

The likelihood is that you’re not going to feel great if a relationship ends, be it one minute or a year. So a statement like that might hurt feelings, “but it means they respect you if they care enough to be upfront with what’s going on,” she said.

Plus, without a conversation, you run the risk of a ghost coming back to life. “When nothing else is going on those people tend to show up again, and then you’re like what happened for all that other time?,” Levkoff said.

Writing about the subject on The Date Report in May, reporter Sara Ashley O’Brien explained that ghosting just prolongs the time it takes to move on:

A simple acknowledgment of an appreciation for the time we did spend together, “Hey, I had a fun few dates with you but I don’t think we’re right for each other beyond that,” would provide so much more closure. It’s always a blow, but you can get over it in a few days. When the ghost disappears, you spend the first few days wondering when you’re going to get a text back and then weeks trying to figure out what went wrong.

At the end of the day, Levkoff explained, it’s each ghost for himself. “We have to take ownership and hold ourselves accountable,” she said.

It’s not them, it’s you?

In the days post-ghosting, the unanswered often retrace the ghost’s steps, looking for possible clues as to why he or she disappeared. “I don’t get it, we had such a great time on our date,” or “He promised he would call! There were no signs!” are frequent quotes that friends of ghosting victims hear.

But Behrendt believes that’s never the case — there are always signs. “Part of it is the way you set the relationship up, and what you allow to happen so that somebody is going to be able to escape,” he said. That’s the big problem with #kidsthesedays and relationships via text or Tinder or Hinge. If the majority of your “relationship” takes place on one of these platforms, there’s a surefire sign that the receiver of your iMessages might disappear. Rule of thumb, Behrendt warns: “If it’s not in person, it’s not real.”

But given that not-in-person early courtships aren’t going anywhere — what’s a woman or man who wants to avoid being ghosted to do?

Ghosts don’t necessarily have personality patterns, and so, the onus is on you to be clear and upfront. Echoing Behrendt’s take, Levkoff said, “If we don’t acknowledge what we want right from the start, if the beginning of your relationship is about texting back and forth and the conversation is fairly benign and short, it lends itself to easy in, easy out she said.”

That’s one place where dating sites and apps might actually lend themselves, she explained. It’s very easy to start a Tinder conversation with, “Hey, so why are you on here?” for example.

Levkoff advises throwing the idea that that type of conversation is “off-limits” out the window. “I don’t believe there are any rules when it comes to love and sex and relationships. I think if there’s something you want, you should be upfront about it. I don’t think game playing makes sense at all, and if someone doesn’t respond well to directness, then they weren’t the right person anyway,” she said.

And if your potentials keep disappearing, take a step back and look in the mirror (unless of course, you are the ghost, in which case, owning a mirror would be quite silly). Ask yourself these questions: “Is there something with the people you’re meeting? What do they have in common? What are you looking for that’s causing the same outcome over and over again?,” Levkoff said.

Behrendt adds a few more warning signs to watch out for: “Look at where he wanted to meet you, look at what his plans were, look at how difficult he was to get in touch with.”

And if you’re unhappy with the answers to those prompts, rest easy knowing that even the most notorious ghosts will change their stripes when the right person comes along. Right, Casper?

Single, Stylish & Haunted,

xx Keylee

A New Man In My Life.

As my next court date grew near, well not near but closer, I began to worry that he would find a way to postpone it again. I spoke to my lawyer and asked that he give me every scenario of what could happen when we walked into court. Looking back I realize this was probably an unnecessary, not to mention expensive, move, but the last time I was so unprepared for the postponement I didn’t want to be taken by surprise again. In the state of California the family court system doesn’t care who did what, it’s called a “no fault” state. Basically, it means they don’t care that my husband had a double life or that we had lived together for four years. All that mattered was the date we got married and that I walked out on our marriage four months after we walked down the aisle. It is a dumb law- just sayin.

After reliving my week of “one-year” mark memories, I decided to take my friends up on the invite to spend a week in Hawaii. I thought it would be a great time for me to relax. I could work from anywhere I had a phone and a laptop, and the idea of getting out of LA for a bit sounded like heaven. This trip would be very different from the last time I was in Hawaii. I had no intention of sitting on the side of the pool and crying for two hours; I did however have plans of lying next to the pool with a cocktail in hand for many hours! I was in a much better place and felt like I could enjoy myself. Just looking at my calendar these days made me exhausted, so I welcomed the break.

I also had a new man in my life, my assistant Jack, and he was fabulous. He was reliable, honest, funny, caring, had flawless style and fabulous hair. He could give a look of death in less than 3 seconds, one of those looks you can only learn from your east coast Italian mother. He quickly learned about everything that was going on in my life, and I began to notice that my calendar was suddenly so packed that I didn’t have time to be sad or lonely. From the day Jack started working for me, he always knew what was best. Jack had dropped out of Medical School to move to LA and become a stylist. When he first told me this, I blurted out, “wow, your parents must be so proud,” intending to sound as sarcastic as it did. He immediately laughed, and I knew we would be together forever! A celebrity client of mine introduced Jack and me, he had interned on a movie she had just finished and when I mentioned I was looking for someone she jumped at the chance to introduce us. It was love at first site. Jack quickly became the man in my life.

I was crazy busy with work and decided I didn’t even have time for men in my life other than Jack. Of course, Jaxton was in and out, per our usual routine of the past one hundred years. Rick, on the other hand, was in my life often, he was someone I relied on regularly; he was dependable, strong, caring and kind. I remember on particularly stressful week, he called and asked if I could be at a meeting with him the next afternoon. I agreed, even when he called back 2 minutes later to say that I better clear my whole afternoon because the meeting may take a while. I didn’t have time to ask questions, so I said ok and rearranged my week to block off the day. I figured the meeting regarded a show we had discussed and that we probably had several meetings lined up back to back. Rick was picking me up at 9 am and at 8:30 he called. “Wear something comfortable,” he said. “What does that mean?” I asked. “Well, you need to wear shorts and tennis shoes,” he replied. “I am NOT wearing shorts and tennis shoes to a meeting!” I said with my voice raising. “Well, I might have stretched the truth a bit about the meeting. We are not exactly going to a meeting today. Just get dressed, and I will explain when I pick you up, be there soon!” He said as he quickly hung up the phone. Grrrr, I was so pissed. I had a super busy schedule and didn’t have time for this shit. I took a deep breath and decided to put on shorts and tennis shoes and meet him outside. Rick had been a great friend, and I wasn’t going to throw a fit when he was trying to do something nice, though I thought about it.

“Where the fuck are we going?” I said as I got into the car and slammed the door. “Good morning to you too,” he said in an annoyingly cheering voice. He immediately started driving, probably so I couldn’t get out of the car. Before he could tell me where we were going I started asking a million questions; “Where are we going? What time will we be back? Will have cell service? Why didn’t you tell me?” “Just relax! You have had a rough couple of weeks, and I think you deserve a day of fun. He didn’t know I was headed to Hawaii in a few days, and I decided to keep that to myself. No need to ruin his fun! As we drove further and further outside of LA, I was totally stumped. Finally, I got it out of him; we were going zip lining at some semi-ski mountain town 2 hours outside of LA. WHAT? I had two thoughts; two hours outside of LA??? And, this was the sweetest thing anyone had done for me in a long time!

Being a girl who is afraid of heights I knew this was going to be a challenge for me, but it was exactly what I needed. The field trip got me out of my head, which has always been pretty difficult to do, and got me smiling and laughing all day. I couldn’t remember the last time I had that much fun. After our zip lining adventure, we went for Mexican food and beers. It was the perfect ending to an unexpected perfect day!

As I left for Hawaii, I knew all the time on my hands would either be a great thing or a not great thing. At times, I feel that too much time on my hands causes me to over think things, wait, but maybe that is wine. Lately overthinking things had become my new past time, and it was dangerous. I started writing in my journal more and more and when I would go back and read the entries it always seemed like someone else had written them. I would swing between sad and lonely to positive glass half full, I can concour the world attitude. I don’t know if it was the roller coaster of emotions or the feeling of being a stranger to myself, but either way it was exhausting! Sabrina would tell me it was perfectly normal, but I felt like I was crazy.

Once I arrived in Hawaii and smelled the ocean air, I decided to treat Hawaii like a spa vacation. I slept a lot, went for long walks each day, swam in the ocean, tried not to drink too much. I wanted to come back from the trip feeling great, and I did.

I came back feeling powerful and recharged. I knew it was going to be a hellish couple of months with work, my pending court date and the holidays. I am not a fan of Halloween and barley recognize it as a holiday, ever. I would spend Thanksgiving in New Hampshire for the Miss New Hampshire USA pageant and though I hated not being with my family on holidays, this year it was a relief. The thought of going home this year didn’t even sound fun. The thought of sitting around a table, seeing friends, and having everyone giving me pitty face was something I was not interested in. I decided work was the perfect excuse to avoid my first holiday as a single!

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

As I think about the holidays and spending time in cooler weather I think about winter coats, and this year I am obsessed with capes! They have such a glamourous European feel to them and they are perfect for fall and winter- in LA there isn’t that much difference!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.