One Got Married and The Other One Left.

After my dreamy night with Tony, I had to return to reality the next day. I was quickly jolted into reality when I received a Facebook message from Andrew, he was getting married and wanted to tell me himself. Yes, the same Andrew that was trying to get in my bed less than six months ago had met a woman fell in love and was getting married. It wasn’t that I wanted to be with him but really? He was getting married, already?

Should I congratulate him, I thought to myself? Damn, where is the middle finger emoji? Yes, that is what mature people do. So I shot him a quick Facebook message back, “Wow, that is such great news. Congratulations. Who is the lucky girl?” He replied back with some general, ‘thank you’ type of response and I let it go at that, it wasn’t like I really wanted to know who she was. It crept into my mind a few times that day and by the next day I was furious. I kept asking myself, was he dating this woman when he was in LA last? Was I, once again, the other woman? Technically I was the other woman to Katy; my x had met and dated her before he and I met. After two days had passed I couldn’t help myself and sent the aggressive email, asking all the questions I shouldn’t have asked. I wrote the email after half of a sleeping pill and two glasses of wine, I never read his reply- I just deleted it.

Journal Entry 4/21/ 13

The married one has my head, but I am protecting my heart. I think about Tony a lot. He is such a great guy; thoughtful, kind, smart, wonderful, follows through on what he says and …oh yeah, he is married, and he is leaving in less than a week. He actually said to me the other night, “you should come visit this summer.” I agreed and said I would love to, full well knowing that it will never happen. I knew I was in trouble when I let him come over to my apartment. I never let any men come over to my apartment.

On Tony’s last day in town, he would be working all day. At 6:30 am, I got a call from him. He was at my apartment building front door and wanted to come in. I jumped out of bed grabbed my toothbrush, went to the bathroom at the same time as brushing my teeth, threw some water on my face, ran my finger through my hair and answered the door. I only lived on the second floor, so I didn’t have much time. He was standing at my door with a case of wine.
“I told you I would get you some wine,” he said as I opened the door. I was in total shock; one because he remembered- he had said that the frist night we had dinner, and two because he was standing at my door at 6:30am. He brought the wine inside and sat on my couch, gave me a giant kiss asked me about what my day was going to be like and then kissed me again. He was already late for work, and as much as I wanted him to stay I knew he had to leave. As he stood up he said, “Please come see me tonight when I am done with work, I want to say goodbye properly.” I told him I would love to and watched him walk out my door.

His last night we stayed up most of the night and at 5:30am he left. He had text me as the plane took off and then when he landed he text, “I will miss you sweets.” That was that.

It had been six days, and I didn’t know if I missed him or the idea of him. I knew I missed the feeling of knowing someone was thinking about me.

Journal Entry 5/3/2013

“I want to be in love. I want to be loved.”

After a taste of someone caring about me, I realized that I realized missed having someone to care about and care about me in return. I guess I should be happy to have felt that, even if for that moment.

Journal Entry 5/28/2013

Hawaii for Memorial Day is just what I needed. I was reading a fabulous new book and now had a new favorite quote, one I still love today.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

– Joseph Campbell

I had decided, at that moment, I knew what I really needed was to figure out how to love and care for myself. I wasn’t even sure what that really meant at the time but I would figure it out. I decided the first step would be to celebrate my birthday; it wasn’t for a couple of months, but I usually had lunch with a girlfriend or small dinner. This year I was going to have a party!

I had decided to move out of my apartment as well. Since we had closed the office a couple of months ago, Jack, and I and Style Studio did not fit into my 700sq ft space, and the party would double as a housewarming party! I hadn’t had a real party since my epic 29th birthday celebration, and this party would give me something to be excited about.

When I got back to LA I started planning the party right away even though I wasn’t sure where I was going to be living. Jack was all too excited to jump in and help- he loved anything to distract him from planning the actual move. I was also excited that week because my good friends from Napa were in town and had invited me to a wine dinner. It was always an interesting crowd at a dinner like this and the fact I was seated across from and painfully gorgeous Australian didn’t hurt.

Single and Stylish,

xx Keylee

 

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

When A Dream Becomes Reality.

As my departure date for my trip to Portugal grew closer I was literally counting down the days until I would see Andrew again.  I started writing in my journal as if I was writing letters to him and it became a day-by-day countdown. I was excited, nervous, excited again and scared out of my mind. Since our first email exchange I had really fallen for him and since he left to go home I was able to romanticize every text, email, skype and phone call we had. I never been with a man that made me feel that special- ever.

It felt great, but it also filled my head with so many questions. I knew that if this relationship moved forward Andrew was never going to move back to the United States (this is something he had made clear) which could only mean I would have to move to Portugal. In turn that would mean I would need to learn the language, learn to drive in another country, have babies in another country and live 5000 miles away from my family and friends. No matter how much we talked about things or how many plans I made in my head more questions would come up;  Would I be able to work? Would I have to get a new cell phone? Would we live in his family home? How would I make friends? Would anyone visit me?  It was very clear that if that was the path we took I would be giving up everything for a man I loved. I may have never felt so special in my life but giving up everything for a man I was in love with was very familiar to me.

My 35th birthday was upon me and I was in the Bahamas for Miss Teen USA, heading to Mexico the next day (on my actual birthday). As the clock struck midnight in Lisbon Andrew called to tell me Happy Birthday- it was the best gift I had been given in a long time. I couldn’t get over how thoughtful it was, he timed it so that he would call me when it was my birthday where he was.  I was on cloud nine that night as I toasted my birthday and went for a midnight swim in the Caribbean with friends.  The next morning I woke up to find a text from him as well.  “I’m so in love with you.  I want you with me.”  In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with him.

I packed my bags and headed to Mexico with a huge smile on my face.  About an hour after I landed in Cancun I got a call from James, he was the friend that had set Andrew and I up, but later admitted he never thought it would go further than a fun weekend.  “Happy Birthday” he shouted into the phone as I answered.  I said thank you and then his tone changed, “I talked to Andrew yesterday.”  “Yesss….” I said.  “I just want to make sure you know what you are doing, are you sure you are not going too fast?”  He questioned.  “Why are you saying this? What exactly did he say to you?”  I asked.  “Nothing specific but from what I gather you two are making plans for the future and getting serious fast, just be careful” he warned.  I, of course, was taken back by his call.  I kept thinking about what Andrew must have really said and why James was suddenly so concerned.  I downplayed it trying not to sound defensive and re-assure James that I handle on things.  I told him that I knew exactly what I was doing and that he had nothing to worry about.  The reality was that I had no clue what I was doing, it was like flying an airplane with a blindfold on.

That night I wrote in my journal;

“Being with you is like being addicted to drugs or alcohol- I can’t help it. “

“Andrew you make me feel special and you make me feel loved from half way around the world- I can only imagine how you will make me feel when I am at your side and in your arms in 18 days. I am a bit worried I will be overwhelmed and never leave.”

Ack! I was so wrapped up in him it made me write in Hallmark card speak. Just reading that entry back made me want to throw up- it was so cheesy!

Mexico was fantastic and when I got back to LA I had six days before leaving for New York and Portugal. I was obsessed with packing the moment I got home.  I had to find the cutest casual farm wear, workout wear and lingerie possible.  I had it in my mind that I needed lots and lots of lingerie.  I needed to shop, organize and pack!  Due to the cobblestone streets and all of our downtime we would have he had warned me about bringing too many pairs of heels, none was actually the number he suggested- Hahaha.  All said and done I ended up taking 2 pairs of heels and more lingerie than one person could possibly wear in two and half weeks!  It sounded so perfect, downtime for me on a farm located in a village outside of Lisbon with the sexiest man I had ever met!  Heaven.

In the midst of all my faux romance bliss the reality was that I was still going through a divorce. I was trying to not lean on Andrew or involve him in any way. My relationship with him was my escape from real life and I enjoyed not talking about the drama going on in my life. My husband was in the serious mind fuck stage and it was painful on a daily basis, needless to say it was taking a toll on me.  My emotions were up and down, one minute I was on top of the world feeling loved and special and the next I felt like I had been run over by a truck.  It was hard at times to wrap my brain around roller coaster I was on.  Deep down I knew that I was in a huge transitional state and not in a place to make any promises to anyone or any big decisions about my life.  I also knew that once I was with Andrew things would be easier and more complicated at the same time.

Three days until I would arrive in Portugal I woke up to an email from him expressing his “fears.” This is not a word he had ever used in front of me, I didn’t know how to react. His fear were not fears about me specifically but more about his (and what I thought at the time, my) future.  Andrew was a typical guy in the sense that he wanted to have his life figured out before he made next steps, one foot in front of the other and keeping all the plates spinning in the air.  In a small way I was jealous.  He was focused, knew exactly what he wanted in life and had a plan to get it.  I, on the other hand, was swimming.  I appreciated his honesty and felt good about the fact he was opening up and being honest.

It was only 2 days until I was leaving and I was about to come out of my skin with anticipation. The night before I left LA I had dinner scheduled with James. I told him straight out I was not going to be lectured all night about how I was moving too fast.  I explained that I was going on this trip with zero expectations (which was a total lie).  I was scared and excited and I decided to just jump in and see where it was going to take me. He agreed easily, decided to stop the lecture train and enjoy the meal.

Journal Entry 8/10

“I have to admit, I do think I am getting wrapped up in talking about our future because it feels so good. I hope you know I say exactly how I feel.“

After a successful press event in New York, I arrived at Newark airport with a clean face and dressed for my overnight flight (aka Lululemon). I got lucky and scored the entire exit row to myself. Dim cabin lights, a Benadryl and I was fast asleep.  I needed to arrive looking as refreshed as possible!  I had packed a cute dress in the top of my luggage and the plan was to change in the bathroom before I walked out of customs. As the plane started to descend for arrival I slipped into the bathroom to brush my teeth and apply a bit of makeup.  In case you have never attempted this you should note that it is very difficult to try and feel sexy after you get “ready” in an airplane bathroom, especially in coach.

As the plane touched down my stomached dropped, what the hell was I thinking? I just flew thousands of miles to spend 3 weeks in a foreign country with a guy I knew for seven days. What if he was some crazy person? What if he was going to tie me up in his barn and have his way with me? What if he was selling me into white slavery??? All of these horrible scenarios went through my head, mainly because they were questions my mother had asked me before I left! I figured it was a little too late to be worrying and my life was already like a Dateline story so what were the chances of something else crazy happening?

I got my luggage and headed to the ladies’ room to change. I was not the only woman in the bathroom changing, but I was the only one speaking English. I looked in the mirror, applied a tiny bit of lip gloss, ran a brush through my hair, took a deep breath, gave myself a pep talk in the mirror and walked out. I got through customs with no issues and walked out to where everyone waits for his or her arriving party.  I have always had an irrational fear of landing at the airport and no one being there to pick me up so I searched the crowd for his face and said a tiny prayer that he had actually shown up!

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

I have a small lingerie addiction. Nothing feels sexier than wearing something pretty everyday. Here are a few of my favorites!

P.S. Sorry for the late post, I had a few technical difficulties today!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life, my experiences and from my point of view.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I Needed A Hit.

Love and Choices.  We make 100’s of choices everyday.  What to eat, what to wear, what emails to answer, whether we are going to have another glass of wine after work (or a bottle), who to sleep with, what route to take to the office, who your friends are going to be, etc etc.  Some choices are big and some are small, some are life changing while others don’t really affect us at all.   Part of being an adult is admitting when you have made a bad choice, accepting responsibility for the choice you made, hopefully learning from it and moving on with your life taking your new knowledge and past experience with you.

At times Americans take a lot of choices for granted and when we make the wrong choice we often like to place the blame with others.  Admitting a choice is wrong or that we have fucked up is not easy to do, especially when it affects those around us or those we love. Having the choice of who to love is not even an option for women in many parts of the world.  My parents would have picked a suitable young man with something to offer and married me off.  At times I have thought how much easier that would have been, just kidding of course!   Making the choice of who to love might effect our life more than anything else.  Admitting when that is a wrong choice, to ourselves and our circle, is one of the hardest things to fess up to, but can be very powerful at the same time.

I have made very few choices in my life I regret, deciding to get continuous spiral perms as a girl tops that short list, but I have never regretted saying I love you.  I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and we can learn something from every situation.  Some times we make choices that are right for us in the moment not giving a lot of thought to the future and what the fall out might be.  Sometimes falling in love with someone isn’t even really a choice.

That night in the cab with Jaxton I knew I had a choice to make.  I knew in that moment he was probably not going to be the answer to the problems in my life, but he could be the solution to what I needed right then.   To be honest I had no real grasp on what I needed in my life but I knew what I wanted in that moment.  I wanted to feel loved and I needed to feel wanted.

Saying I needed to feel loved sounds so lame.  I know it is a basic human need but it isn’t like I didn’t have love in my life.  I had great friends who were supper supportive and a family that was amazing!  Every therapist I have spoken with starts off by asking about my childhood.  Granted nothing in life is perfect but I had a great a childhood with wonderful parents who loved and supported my sister and I in everything we did.  I was raised on a ranch with animals and lots of land that led to fun and adventure.  I had all of the things growing up a girl could ever want.  My parents traveled with us, they showed up to ever school event to cheer us on, I had a lots of friends, I was not short on love in my life overall.  What I have learned is that love comes in all shapes and forms.  Looking back my husband (both of them and several boyfriends) and I said I love you to each other all the time.   Every morning before he went out the door, at the end of our phone calls, at night before we went to bed but looking back did I ever really feel loved?  Saying I love you is just words.   Once I learned my life was not the truth I thought it was it made me question; was any of that love ever true, was it real?   I have had a LOT of time to examine myself in the past few years and a lot of therapy and I have learned that a lot of the time not feeling loved (for anyone) comes from within, not from another person.  I now see this so clearly, but remember there is a huge difference in the love of your family and friends and the love of an intimate partner.  Your parents have loved you from the moment you came into this world and will love even when you leave this world.  In relationships it all has to start with you.

I dated a guy, Andrew, a while back that asked me how many people I had loved in my life, really, truly loved (other than family and friends).  I just sat there and looked at him with a blank stare!  For some crazy reason I couldn’t answer that question.  For me love has so many levels and layers, it is so unique and different in every situation.  Real or not, one sided or mutual it is all love in some form or another, right?   Sometimes it just looks different than we think it is going to look and sometimes we know that love exists without ever saying it out loud.

I had made the choice to say I Love You each time in my life, no one ever “forced” me to say it, but did I always mean it?  I had made the choice to get married, twice, was it the right choice?  I was now at a point in my life that made me question everything I knew and did.  And it wasn’t just about love or who to love, every decision I made I questioned.  What if I made the wrong choice again?  Loved the wrong person?  It got so out of control at one point that I couldn’t make a decision on what to wear, what lipstick put on, what to have for lunch even.  It all made me feel crazy!  How could I not be able to make a simple daily choice?  I had graduated college with honors, was running two companies at once, had founded three businesses during my career and as a stylist I made major decisions for other people everyday.  I felt truly out of my own body and mind, I knew I had to find a piece of love and quick!  My hope was that if I could get a hit of love I would start to feel more sane.  It would be a short term fix.

That night with Jaxton riding in the cab I was very confident about my decision.  I wanted to feel close to someone, someone I could trust.   The one thing about Jaxton is in the 10 plus years we had known each other he has never pretended to be anything other than exactly what he is.  Most guys, and girls, try to be perfect in the beginning and promise you the world.   The great thing about him was that when we met I was married to my first husband and he and I were just friends, so he was just authentically who he is.  I got to know the real him, flaws and all, from day one and vice versa for him with me.  I never not trusted him.   Not to say that he hasn’t bruised my heart a few times but trust has never been an issue with us.  It is one reason I think we have been in each other lives for so long.

That next morning I began to think, could this be it?  Is this what I have waited for?    Maybe Jaxton and I will finally have our opportunity to be together with no complications or confusion.  Are we finally going to find out if what we have spoken about, and I had dreamed about, so many times could be true?   In that moment I let all the shit in my life and drama I was dealing with float away and I drifted into the fantasy about a time in my life when I would be in a stable place with a man I loved and trusted.   Maybe this is what it was all for and my past was part of my journey.  Was Jaxton that man and this that relationship?  Was he my future?   In that moment I wanted a knight in shining armor on a white horse and so I let myself think it could be him.

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

Who doesn’t love love?  Here are a few fun ways to show your love of love through fashion!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life and my experiences.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.