I Needed A Hit.

Love and Choices.  We make 100’s of choices everyday.  What to eat, what to wear, what emails to answer, whether we are going to have another glass of wine after work (or a bottle), who to sleep with, what route to take to the office, who your friends are going to be, etc etc.  Some choices are big and some are small, some are life changing while others don’t really affect us at all.   Part of being an adult is admitting when you have made a bad choice, accepting responsibility for the choice you made, hopefully learning from it and moving on with your life taking your new knowledge and past experience with you.

At times Americans take a lot of choices for granted and when we make the wrong choice we often like to place the blame with others.  Admitting a choice is wrong or that we have fucked up is not easy to do, especially when it affects those around us or those we love. Having the choice of who to love is not even an option for women in many parts of the world.  My parents would have picked a suitable young man with something to offer and married me off.  At times I have thought how much easier that would have been, just kidding of course!   Making the choice of who to love might effect our life more than anything else.  Admitting when that is a wrong choice, to ourselves and our circle, is one of the hardest things to fess up to, but can be very powerful at the same time.

I have made very few choices in my life I regret, deciding to get continuous spiral perms as a girl tops that short list, but I have never regretted saying I love you.  I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and we can learn something from every situation.  Some times we make choices that are right for us in the moment not giving a lot of thought to the future and what the fall out might be.  Sometimes falling in love with someone isn’t even really a choice.

That night in the cab with Jaxton I knew I had a choice to make.  I knew in that moment he was probably not going to be the answer to the problems in my life, but he could be the solution to what I needed right then.   To be honest I had no real grasp on what I needed in my life but I knew what I wanted in that moment.  I wanted to feel loved and I needed to feel wanted.

Saying I needed to feel loved sounds so lame.  I know it is a basic human need but it isn’t like I didn’t have love in my life.  I had great friends who were supper supportive and a family that was amazing!  Every therapist I have spoken with starts off by asking about my childhood.  Granted nothing in life is perfect but I had a great a childhood with wonderful parents who loved and supported my sister and I in everything we did.  I was raised on a ranch with animals and lots of land that led to fun and adventure.  I had all of the things growing up a girl could ever want.  My parents traveled with us, they showed up to ever school event to cheer us on, I had a lots of friends, I was not short on love in my life overall.  What I have learned is that love comes in all shapes and forms.  Looking back my husband (both of them and several boyfriends) and I said I love you to each other all the time.   Every morning before he went out the door, at the end of our phone calls, at night before we went to bed but looking back did I ever really feel loved?  Saying I love you is just words.   Once I learned my life was not the truth I thought it was it made me question; was any of that love ever true, was it real?   I have had a LOT of time to examine myself in the past few years and a lot of therapy and I have learned that a lot of the time not feeling loved (for anyone) comes from within, not from another person.  I now see this so clearly, but remember there is a huge difference in the love of your family and friends and the love of an intimate partner.  Your parents have loved you from the moment you came into this world and will love even when you leave this world.  In relationships it all has to start with you.

I dated a guy, Andrew, a while back that asked me how many people I had loved in my life, really, truly loved (other than family and friends).  I just sat there and looked at him with a blank stare!  For some crazy reason I couldn’t answer that question.  For me love has so many levels and layers, it is so unique and different in every situation.  Real or not, one sided or mutual it is all love in some form or another, right?   Sometimes it just looks different than we think it is going to look and sometimes we know that love exists without ever saying it out loud.

I had made the choice to say I Love You each time in my life, no one ever “forced” me to say it, but did I always mean it?  I had made the choice to get married, twice, was it the right choice?  I was now at a point in my life that made me question everything I knew and did.  And it wasn’t just about love or who to love, every decision I made I questioned.  What if I made the wrong choice again?  Loved the wrong person?  It got so out of control at one point that I couldn’t make a decision on what to wear, what lipstick put on, what to have for lunch even.  It all made me feel crazy!  How could I not be able to make a simple daily choice?  I had graduated college with honors, was running two companies at once, had founded three businesses during my career and as a stylist I made major decisions for other people everyday.  I felt truly out of my own body and mind, I knew I had to find a piece of love and quick!  My hope was that if I could get a hit of love I would start to feel more sane.  It would be a short term fix.

That night with Jaxton riding in the cab I was very confident about my decision.  I wanted to feel close to someone, someone I could trust.   The one thing about Jaxton is in the 10 plus years we had known each other he has never pretended to be anything other than exactly what he is.  Most guys, and girls, try to be perfect in the beginning and promise you the world.   The great thing about him was that when we met I was married to my first husband and he and I were just friends, so he was just authentically who he is.  I got to know the real him, flaws and all, from day one and vice versa for him with me.  I never not trusted him.   Not to say that he hasn’t bruised my heart a few times but trust has never been an issue with us.  It is one reason I think we have been in each other lives for so long.

That next morning I began to think, could this be it?  Is this what I have waited for?    Maybe Jaxton and I will finally have our opportunity to be together with no complications or confusion.  Are we finally going to find out if what we have spoken about, and I had dreamed about, so many times could be true?   In that moment I let all the shit in my life and drama I was dealing with float away and I drifted into the fantasy about a time in my life when I would be in a stable place with a man I loved and trusted.   Maybe this is what it was all for and my past was part of my journey.  Was Jaxton that man and this that relationship?  Was he my future?   In that moment I wanted a knight in shining armor on a white horse and so I let myself think it could be him.

Single & Stylish,

xx Keylee

Who doesn’t love love?  Here are a few fun ways to show your love of love through fashion!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life and my experiences.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

Open Letter. Intuition.

Open Letter to My Readers:

Many people have asked why I decided to share my story.  I in no way feel I am an expert on men, relationships or life.  I write about my experiences and my life from my point of view- thats it.  When I decided to write my story I knew that I would be exposing a very personal side of my life but feeling that if one woman could learn from my story and one less heart could be broken then it was all worth it.  Since the day I started writing about this very personal subject I have received nothing but support, love and encouragement- which I am eternally thankful for.   I have exposed a very real side of myself and sadly too many women (and men) can relate.  People from all over the country, some I know and some I don’t, have reached out to share their story and ask (some have begged) that I keep writing.  Duh, of course I am going to keep writing, part 11 will be published next Monday. This week I wanted to take a pause and explain why I write about my life and my escapades- other than it is very therapeutic and entertaining!

The one thing every single woman who has reached out has said is, I wish I had listened to my intuition.  That is it, right there- that is why I started writing.   Hearing other women say they wished they had listened to their own intuition is heartbreaking for me.  That is the exact same thing I have said over and over to myself in the mirror.   So I know exactly how it feels to learn of betrayal while feeling you betrayed yourself at the same time,  I know how you beat yourself up for not listening, and how foolish you feel when you learn the truth about someone- especially someone you loved.  The moment I learned to trust myself again and listen to that voice deep inside, my whole world opened up and piece by piece I started to heal.  I had very strong intuition growing up, I never doubted myself or my choices but being in a toxic relationship slowly chips away at this ability and before you know it you have completely strangled that voice inside. So this letter is to say just that. Listen to that little voice inside you. Do not knock the red flags down.  Trust yourself, you know what is best for you.  When you listen to that inner voice/ intuition you can never go wrong.

That is why I am writing the blog.

Single and Stylish,

Keylee

Note from me: Sorry for the delay in todays post.  I walked out on my faux marriage over two years ago and I am still learning additional twists and turns to the story of my life.  It is amazing the lengths people will go to to cover up lies and deceit.   Let me just say in closing that the plot has thickened.  Happy Reading!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life and my experiences.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

 

 

What Is Twitter Good For? Sex Advice and So Much More!

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Social media can provide wonderful comic relief, a feeling of camaraderie, and even some legit great advice!  I am amazed daily on what can be found on the internet and how witty some people are!  I get a lot of my news from Twitter; it is easy, fast, and fun.  I love handles like @CNN, @KSNNews (so I can keep up on new where my family lives, Wichita), & @HarpersBazaar (for my fashion news).  You can literally find a Twitter feed for any topic your mind can imagine, when it comes to dating and the single life these are a few of my favorites and an example of their latest tweets.

Blunt Bitch (@Blunt_Brunette_)

“the way a you carry yourself while you’re single is who you really are”

The Single Woman (@TheSingleWoman)

“Remember: You are a CATCH. And a catch is worthy of being pursued, wooed, chased. Not just settled for! #TheSW

Sex Facts Of Life (@SexFactsOfLIfe)

“Talk about your ex on your first date if you don’t want to have a second date.”

Womens Health (@WomensHealthMag)

#SexPositionOfTheDay: The Om http://ow.ly/vmvJ3  Rocking, not thrusting, is the key when it comes to this intimate position”

Huffington Post Divorce (@HuffPostDivorce)

“42 guys answer “What’s something a woman can say that will make you run the other way?” http://bit.ly/1lniwwf 

Don’t forget to follow me as well!   Trust me, I say a lot of funny, witty things!

Keylee Style (@KeyleeStyle)

Single & Stylish,

Keylee

Editor Note:  As you can read, this is obviously not the next chapter in My Story, part 11 will go up on the blog on Monday as usual.  Thursday’s will now consist of posts that are fun, funny, fashion forward, embarrassing, advice driven, and story filled.  Please let me know if you have a great dating story, piece of advice, book you have read or a great site you have found: you can email it to me at: info@keyleesanders.com and I just may feature it on the site- giving you credit of course!!!

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life and my experiences.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

 

 

Jaxton.

Where do I begin?  Jaxton is not just some guy that I have known for a long time, he is so much more.  I can’t even think of the right word to describe him where it will make sense to anyone else. Have you ever had a guy come into your life that just changed everything? You couldn’t explain it to anyone, but you changed as a person. A guy that knew you better than you knew yourself and touched you deep inside making you look at life differently? That was Jaxton for me. It all started 11 years ago on a very hot August day in Palm Springs, it was about 110 degrees outside and I had been driving for hours.  I was late to pick up my tickets for Miss Teen USA, I was there to attend the show and was not in a good mood to say the least.  As I am trying to get into the building a guy comes to the door I assume he is a PA or an intern or something, “Can I help you?” he asks.  “Yes, where is the executive office?  I need my tickets” I snapped at him.  He tried to make small talk but I didn’t have the time of day and I breezed past him in search of my tickets.  I have to admit, I was a total bitch that day! Later that night, just as the show was starting I see him dressed in a suit shaking hands and kissing babies (sort of speak) in the front row of the audience, as I was being sat just a few seats away, he smiled at me.  Huh? Is that the same guy?  No, can’t be.  I thought to myself.  After the show he walks over to say hi.  He immediately says “you thought I was an intern didn’t you?”  “What?  Of course not” I answer back as I notice my face is getting hot.   He laughed and immediately knew I was lying.  From the moment we met he could read me like a book.

Fast forward to today, 11 years  later and there is no man on the planet who knows me better.  Jaxton knows everything there is to know about me, literally everything, which is one of the scariest things about him.  We have been through it all; some of the most romantic moments of my life have been with this man, he has caused me serious heartbreak and I have had the most connected sex of my life with him.  I think my favorite thing about him is that he has never judged me, not once.  He knows all of my deepest darkest secrets, desires, dreams.  I never had to act a certain way or pretend with him, he was one of my closest friends and we had been through a lot together.  He had even seen me cry a time or two and no one sees me cry!   He wasn’t just Jaxton … he was my Jaxton.

The night after I arrived in LA we were scheduled to have dinner.  He had picked a small Italian place that I loved.  Lots of twinkle lights, cobblestone floors, small tables- it reminds me of being in Europe.  As I got ready I found myself nervous and it was so strange.  I had been to dinner with him a 100 times why would I be nervous?  Ugh, a flash of his face that night in LA a month ago when my husband introduced himself went through my head.   I started to think, I wonder if he is going to be upset with me?  How could I have gotten married and NOT told him?  He was one of the most important people in my life and I had kept it from him.  I would be furious if he had done that to me. We had never lied to each other about anything….until then.   I didn’t have time to think about that I had more important things to deal with like, what would I wear to dinner?  I was still in my I want to wear sweats in public phase, which thank goodness never happened because I don’t own sweats.  Suddenly staring at my suitcases and boxes the answer came to me, a dress! Dresses were always my fall back outfit and I found one that was cute but not too sexy added some boots and a coat and was out the door.  I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea but I wasn’t dead, I still wanted to look good!

I walked downstairs, called a cab and said goodnight to the boys (they were so happy to see me going out- I hadn’t left the house much or my room for that matter).  I knew in my state of mind and my track record of liquor intake the last three weeks driving was not a smart idea.   As I waited for the cab I got a text from my husband.  Just seeing his name made the vomit rise in my throat.   He had been on me about talking again soon and he wanted us to go to therapy together.  I was not even remotely interested but decided it was better to just not respond in that moment.  I still had a 1000 unanswered question and no plan of how to get any of them answered.  He had hurt me so deeply, it was unforgivable and the love I once felt was starting to numb inside of me.  I was finally excited for something, this dinner, and I wasn’t about to let my mind remind me of the reality that was my life.

I arrived at the restaurant and stepped out of the cab.  I walked in and told the hostess I was there and gave Jaxton’s name.  She told me I was the first to arrive and my heart dropped to the floor.  I bet he decided not to come, I thought.  My head started spinning.   I grabbed my phone and frantically checked my messages.  Nothing.   The hostess offered to seat me but I didn’t dare.  What if he didn’t show at all and then I was setting at the table alone?  I was WAY too fragile for that.  Just as I started to panic he breezed through the door.  In reality he was less than 5 minutes late but that night it seems liked an hour.  When I looked up and saw his face I immediately felt safe, happy and special.   Those are three things I hadn’t felt in a very long time.   He smiled at me and I smiled back- a very big smile!  He walked up and wrapped his arms around me to say hello and I melted.  I buried my head in his neck, his smell was familiar and in that moment the last 8 years ran through my mind.

As our entire history flashed through my head, I was reminded it hadn’t all been happy memories.  I remember once, before my I met my husband, I was at Jaxton’s home and suddenly we were fighting, I stormed to the car and then of course he called.  I was driving back to my house and as we fought over the phone I foolishly, in a moment of rage, said “don’t ever call me again, I mean it, we are done forever!”  Almost instantly I had to pull my car over to the side of the road to throw up.  Never in my life had I had a physical reaction such as that.  I think that was the moment I knew he would be in my life forever and of course that was not the last time we spoke.

We sat down to dinner immediately ordered martini’s to start and a bottle of wine to pair with our food.  Once the waitress had left us he reached across the table and grabbed my hand.  “How are you, Keylee?”  He had this thing where he always said my name, I loved it and had no idea why.  As he asked how I was and looked directly into my eyes I started to almost tear up.  It was like he looked through me and like no one else on the planet had asked me this question before. “Hanging in there,” I said.  “Some days are good and others are total shit.”  For the first time I was honest, I felt no need to put on an act for him.   We talked and I gave him the short version of the story and then we moved on in the conversation, he knew me well enough to know I didn’t want to talk about it all night.  The rest of the conversation was about how work was going for him, how our families were doing, where I was going to live in LA, etc.  It was pure bliss.

After about my second glass of wine I started to relax.  I was relaxed having fun and was with someone who knew everything that was going on in my life, no walls up, no hiding anything.  It was such a relief.  Pretty soon I had another feeling, it was not something I had felt in a long time, suddenly I wanted to kiss him.  Wait, I couldn’t’ kiss him, I was married!  Right?  No, I was separated.  Right?   My husband had another relationship the entire time we were together… I could do anything I wanted!   Right?  This was so confusing. Suddenly I realized Jaxton had asked me a question and I had no idea what he had said!  I was so wrapped up thinking about his lips and my own internal debate I had missed the conversation completely.   The good thing about our relationship was I just started laughing and said, “I have no idea what you just asked me because I was thinking about how much I want to kiss you.”   He looked and replied, “I need to use the restroom.”  WHAT?  That is not what he was supposed to say!  He got up and as he headed to the back of the restaurant he leaned down, gently grabbed my chin and kissed me.  I almost fell out of my chair.  I went numb from my lips to my toes.  As he walked to the bathroom I did the only thing I could think to do… I chugged the rest of my wine.

We had kissed before, we had done a lot more than kiss, but this was different.  I was emotionally raw and hadn’t kissed another man in over 6 years.  I suddenly felt alive and not like a wounded puppy.   He came back to the table and we finished dinner.  Before I knew it we were the last two people in the restaurant and on the 10th time the waitress asked if we wanted to order anything else we finally got the hint, payed our bill and walked outside.  Before I could say, I guess I should call a cab; he grabbed me around the waist and started kissing me.  Passionately, kissing me.  The valet was about 10 feet away and as a cab was heading our way he flagged it down.  It wasn’t until the cab started honking we even noticed it was there.  Jaxton pulled back, keeping his hands on my face and laced in my hair, and looked at me.  I took a few steps to the curb and then turned back,  “It’s a lonely time of night, maybe we should just share a cab home.  I mean your place is on the way and everything.”  He hopped in next to me and we started kissing again.  The cab driver turned and looked at us, cleared his throat and asked “one stop or two?”  Jaxton and I stopped kissing, looked at each other and waited for the other one to answer.

Single & Stylish! xx Keylee

Going out to dinner with a man, friend or flirt, needs just the right look.  I always default to a dress and heel.  Here are some great dinner/ dinner date looks:

 

*All of the events I have written about in the above and previous posts are about me, my life and my experiences.

© Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Keylee Sanders, Style Studio LLC and KeyleeStyle.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.